I'm fascinated by how much variance there is concerning the involvement of people's families in their wedding plans. It got me thinking about our situation, and how differently our two families are reacting to the whole thing. They're all incredibly supportive of our love and marriage in general, but, to put it bluntly, my future in-laws are just not into the wedding. They're into me, and (obviously) into Hunter. But the wedding, it seems, just isn't their thing.
Quick backstory: Hunter comes from a small family, most of the extended members of which live overseas. Hunter's father has had 3 formative wedding experiences: two of which were grand, bank-busting, headaching affairs, and the other was his happy tiny courthouse wedding to Hunter's mother. Hunter's mom is a very unfussy and lovely woman, who adored her simple courthouse wedding, and finds small, intimate and inexpensive celebrations most sensible/meaningful.
We see his parents periodically and whenever possible, but they travel a lot for work and live in NY most of the year, so our time with them is limited and often brief. We have an annual ritual of spending New Years together in Santa Fe, which is a time I cherish, because it gives me a better chance to get to know them and vice versa. They're wonderful and loving parents who dote on Hunter and support his decisions no matter what.
On the other side of the coin: My father supports marriage, but has also not been all that into 'weddings' as a rule. Growing up, the joke was always that we should elope if given the chance. When my sister got married last year, he started to come around some (infection of the warm fuzzies, methinks), but still I heard the old "take the money and run" jokes. However, since we've gotten heavily into planning, I can feel his excitement growing. My mother is much more agreeable to weddings, enjoys them quite a bit, and is very excited about our big day.
We lived quite close to my parents for the first 4 years of our relationship, and moved in with them for the last 4 months before moving to LA. So, Hunter and my folks have a really close relationship and know eachother really well. I can't even express what a bonus this is for me... how nice is it to hear your fiance tell your parents he loves them, and know he means it? So nice!
My family is HUGE. My mothers side includes 6 siblings, their children, and their childrens children. My fathers side includes many cousins, and two succesive generations of children. To have a "small intimate" wedding that includes all my family is just impossible, but I am very close to all my family and its important they feel included. We decided to aim for 100-ish guests, and chose a neutral location to which almost everyone in our families would have to travel. To me, 100 guests is a small-medium wedding. To my future in-laws its BIG.
My parents have been super supportive and excited about the wedding, right out of the gate... but in a wonderful moderation. They take interest in our decisions but never force their opinion. They offer suggestions but never get offended if we don't use them. If this was Goldilocks, they'd be juuuuuust right. We're very lucky. They also voraciously read my blog, so everybody say "hi mom and dad!"
On the flipside, Hunter's parents are much more aloof. They don't ask many questions or make suggestions. When we mention ideas or whatnot they're always friendly and nice in response, but you can sense a degree of indifference. Apparently they've checked out my blog but they've never said a word about it to me (which stings a bit, but what can you do). They aren't against the wedding, to be clear.... they're just 'meh' about it.
At first, and still periodically, I'm thrown off by their disinterest. Its hard not to take it personally on those days I'm feeling sensitive. The rest of the time, I'm very grateful. I hear brides complain about their meddling in-laws and having to please them at every turn, and I'm relieved that's not an issue for us. They're quite agreeable, really, but mostly by default.
I get through any frustration with my future-in-laws by telling myself "when they see it all come together, they'll understand." Only time will tell, and I really should prepare myself for no reaction at all, so there's no possible letdown. I know they like me. I know they know I'm good for Hunter. They're entirely lovely to me and I don't mean to sound critical or ungrateful at all.
Personally, I don't like the feeling of "needing approval" anyway. I've come to realize that desiring approval from people is a selfish need and I work at trying to fulfill myself instead. So, I'm trying to be zen about it, and just focus on knowing that what we're doing is best for us.... and that's all that matters.
How do you deal with families, new and old? Are yours of the too-involved, or not-involved-enough variety? How do you cope?
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12 comments:
This is such a good post! I think just acknowledging the differences is the first step and then trying to put things (comments/actions) into contxt can be very helpful. I'm similar with a big huge family but lots of issues within and odd dynamics... whereas he has a small family but they are soooo supportive and adoring of him... it makes me realize that as much as i love my family, incorporating some of his family traits could be useful and vice versa... it's definitely a life of compromise, acceptance and understanding for both of us :)
My in-laws were hard to understand. We're both pretty sure they were under the assumption that since they're the grooms side the don't get a say in anything.
So while they'd ask about wedding plans and the like it seemed as though it was more to make conversation than really caring. Even the day of when I told both moms to set up whatever poses for pictures they wanted his still kept repeating that most annoying mantra "It's your day".
I don't forsee this getting any better as his side lives 8 hours away and kids tend to exacerbate things so I'm just gonna try living with it.
Oh, I know the feeling! I'm absolutely horrible about wanting approval, and I know it's something I need to work on.
It's been interesting observing how Econo Boy's family upbringing is different from mine. We're fairly close in background, but there are differences -- he consults his parents' advice far more often than I do, for example. But I think both of our families have been just about the right amount of involved in our wedding. They each have a few "wedding wishes" (his parents: big guest list; my mom: nice table linens; my dad: live classical music at the ceremony) but they are never pushy or nasty about anything, and whenever we make a choice they rave about what good taste we have. Trust me, I know how lucky we are!!
PS -- Blablover5, Econo Boy's family is definitely struggling with the same "the groom's family gets no say" mentality! My sweetheart future mother-in-law loves weddings, but she was terrified of offering any suggestions or input for fear she'd be stepping on my toes or my mom's toes. (Which is kinda funny; I was desperately in search of advice and my mom is extremely laid-back and could not care less about protecting her exalted role as mother of the bride.) She's gotten more comfortable with offering her two cents, but she still finishes her wedding-related sentences with disclaimers about how her opinion doesn't really matter and we should do what we want!
Hi mom & dad!
My fiance's mom is mostly supportive. Wade mentioned that traditionally the mother of the groom waits until the mother of the bride buys her dress. It was one of the few wedding "rules" Wade told her. I don't really care, but she pretty much went out and bought a dress the week after Wade told her that (meaning she got her dress in September for a June wedding). My mom STILL hasn't gotten hers yet, and frankly I don't care if they wear the same colour. And I know my mom doesn't care. And I know Wade's mom doesn't care.
Also, when Wade told her we were thinking 100-125 people, she wanted to add an extra 25 people to her list (she'd been invited to their kid's weddings, and we "obviously" had room). She didn't realize that once you invite family and friends and parents' close friends, you're over 100. So once Wade explained our number isn't that high, she was fine with lowering her numbers.
But she means well and I know she likes me and approves of the marriage, so it's all good!
(Oh that above post was me. I was accidentally logged into a different account.)
Neither side of our families were interested in the wedding. My dad's sisters read my blog just to find out what was going on, but never offered any opinions or advice. Everyone was happy we were getting married. Just "meh" when it came to wedding planning, etc.
And that was just fine with me. I liked planning the wedding on our own and I wouldn't haven't changed it for the world!
I don't know if I'm really looking forward to putting together a guest list, when the time comes. My family is pretty big (his isn't), and I have a lot of "family" that I couldn't imagine not inviting. And then there are the close family friends that I know my mom will make me invite, even though we rarely see them; and that's just my half of the list...I don't foresee this being a fun part of the planning process.
But I really would like to keep it around 150 people, if at all possible.
Both mine and my fiance's families have had very little to do with our wedding. I've been told by most of my close relatives that we should have just eloped which is very disheartening and disappointing. I think my future mother-in-law really wants to be involved, but she doesn't feel like it's her place. We live about 6 hours from my fiance's family which definitely makes things harder. So we're basically doing everything the way we want it, and hopefully both of our families will love it when they see it.
My future in-laws alternate between meh and meddling on a near daily basis, for which my frustration knows no end. *sigh* How do I cope? Ummm....I'm still figuring that one out, btu I shall keep you posted. hahaha In the meantime, I focus on us and those we are excited and happy in a genuine and healthy way.
What a great subject, I am on the opposite side. My parents have no interest what so ever in the planning process, all they asked is for the date. We are paying for everything ourselves so maybe that's why they preffer to no get involved. I see other brides write about their mothers being ultra excited for them! Yeah, not mine. And like you, my feelings get hurt a little, i forget about it and take as a blessing because we all know we dont need a mother that is too controling.
My MIL on the other hand is more... lets just say that she has a vision and she makes suggestions. It's hard to say no to the MIL! Sometimes she makes comments that makes me feel like deep inside, she believes we will not make this happen. Ough, frustating of course.
Great topic. For us, we are finding that wedding planning is all about negotiation. Both parents are superexcited and want to help a lot-read: what to influence how the wedding turns out. While our families do not share a cultural background, they do have similar scopes of relatives and friends so we will end up with an enormous wedding. Much larger than we would really like. Although, I have to admit that numbers like 100 or 150 sound really good until you sit down and see the number of people who are important to you and to your family. You realize you've been really blessed and you start to rethinking your numbers. This, of course, is what I hold onto when my father (not my mom, who seems to understand reason) INSISTS that he cannot invite less than 150 of his friends and associates. What can I say anyway? He is insistent that he pays for the wedding. So he pretty much gets to pay for the number of guests. Here's hoping he learns how to multiply and will just how expensive his dream gala will be.
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