I've been chalking it up to hormones. And I'm sure that has a healthy part to do with it, considering my history. I'm also predisposed to bouts of melancholy, and those two, combined, can sometimes be a force which common sense cannot dissuade.
But tonight I finally admitted to myself that I'm afraid. Watching the news, hearing about the economy, the state of our union, and being smacked with the ways its affecting our well-being is catching up with me. I've been in denial... ignoring or wishing away the truths that now are pummeling my heart and soul and tearing worry through my veins like adrenaline.
Starting this week, my hours at work are being reduced by two-thirds because of the economic downturn and I'll have to file unemployment. I'm still waiting to hear about the job I actually want, and applying like crazy for anything that fits. Hunter was unceremoniously laid off from his job a few months ago, and has yet to find a suitable replacement. Half of our wedding savings is in the stock market, and the losses over just the past month are startling and paralyzing.
I know I'm not alone in my quandary... I'm sure many of you out there are suffering even worse than we are, and I feel for you. But, my threshold for denial has reached critical mass tonight, and I'm finally letting the fear in, with the hopes that it will run its course and drain out just as suddenly as it overcame me. I especially need to try and let Hunter be there for me. Its a tendency of mine to withdraw during times of great stress, and it doesn't serve either of us when I shut him out and shut myself down.
I've heard it said that emotions are like a river - if you fight against the current, you're more apt to exhaust and drown... but if you let yourself go and float downstream, the ride is much faster and less painful. So, I'm trying to float. There's room on my life raft, if any of you would like to join me :)
So, in light of that... and in the hopes that it will help me sleep a bit more soundly tonight, I've come to raise my head from the sand, own my fear, remember what I'm grateful for, and the steps I'm taking to proactively move forward toward safety and comfort.
In no particular order:
- I am not homeless.
- I have great love in my life.
- I have family and friends who support, accept and love me unconditionally.
- I have writing as an outlet, and the support of the blogmunity. (thanks guys!)
- I'm (mostly) healthy.
- I completed a script this week that has been in the works for 2 years, and have faith it will sell.
- I live in a beautiful city surrounded by nature.
- My dog gives kisses on command, and out of love.
- I exercised this morning, and I will again tomorrow.
- Tomorrow I am volunteering at a phone bank to call swing states and get out the vote.
- I have faith things will get better.
- I recognize that my perception of reality is partially obscured by a hormonal imbalance that will correct itself soon enough. If you know what I mean. And, ladies... I think ya do.
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20 comments:
I'm sorry to hear about that. Just go with it, and you have a lot to be thankful for. You'll be fine.
I totally feel you... its like a sinking feeling that i'm carrying around in the back of my head. I constantly remind myself that regardless - in the end - everything will be ok! And it IS true... but sometimes the unknown is just so scary. But ou are right, you as well as most of us have so much we should be thankful for!
You are right, we need to flow with the current and take what we have. I often feel just like that, I want to give up and focus on something else. But we are already in this and we need to come through. Thank you for posting this, my weekend just got better! Now to enjoy our windy days in L.A!
It's a scary time. Hang in there! I think that acknowledging fears helps to control it.
If money concerns you (and who isn't concerned by money?!), see a financial planner. Ask him/her if it's a good idea to switch your short-term stock market funds to a more secure or guaranteed investment (money market funds, high interest savings accounts, bonds). I have consulted with a planner recently, and I feel better.
Hang in there! You're right to make a list of things that are good in your life.
I know how you feel - I'm freaked out about my about-to-retire parents, is addition to our precarious job situations and, um, savings. I wake up with nightmares. But I know I'm lucky to wake up with my FH, so somehow, it's going to be okay. We've weathered worse alone, so at least know we have the support of each other now. That's what we all need to remember now, so thanks for the reminder.
Also, if you have any money you need in the short term, like for the wedding, stocks are not the right place to be - they're long term investments that will eventually go up again but can't be counted on for near-term needs. Get some of it out and in a 6 month CD (if your wedding costs cant wait that long) or high interest savings account (ING, for example.)
Also, in LA at least, there are a number of part time jobs (no benefits) out there right now (according to a friend in HR outplacement) but the full time options are lacking for the moment. Try some temp firms for you and Hunter - that's how I got my start in LA, and the phone book is full of their numbers.
Good luck!
I can't tell you how much your post speaks to me. Times are tough. Like you said, you are not alone. I haven't been able to sleep soundly in weeks, my career is a mess right now and our wedding has been postponed (postponement due to the economy). When I feel like I'm losing my grip, I have to keep hope in my heart.
Keep thinking about the list of positives in your life. Things will start looking up. Take a walk and just breathe! It sounds so simple, but it helps me mentally. Good luck with your potential jobs - the job market in L.A. is such a crap shoot right now! :)
I am so sorry to hear about your job and financial situation. It is so sad to me how familiar it is. I know a man who literally lost about $300,000 in the past two weeks. Ouch.
I'm feeling nervous about the future but I'm trying to just put my faith in God that He will provide. I'd suggest prayer honestly, it keeps me sane knowing I can trust the Lord.
I will keep you in my prayers! And thank you for the positive list, I helps to remind ourselves that things are still going at least somewhat o.k.!
yea. life really can suck at times...but thats why you have hunter..cause alone...the world can be overwhelming but together you guys can build a new world. or something like that...right. anyways...another positive thing is that i'll be shooting your wedding! yay! =)
I've read this post a couple times now today and it just speaks so exactly what I'm feeling...including the hormonal part. ;-) I just had to chime in here and thank you for sharing as so many of us are worried sick about the economy right now. We just relocated to be closer to home and luckily M had a teaching position lined up that even provided a nice raise from his old district, but this upcoming week will mark two months of being unemployed for me, which is truthfully unfathomable. I've been interviewing and searching and hunting and have sent out so many resumes I swear sometimes I will cry with frustration if I have to write one.more.cover.letter. There are days I am sick with worry, unable to sleep and near panic trying to determine how the hell we can even consider throwing a wedding this summer let alone do things like hope to buy a house in our lifetime at this rate. And ya know, we're not bumps on a log. We're two extremely hard-working, very well educated folks and the economy just isn't giving us what we'd always been taught to expect for following the graduate-go to college-start life routine to a tee.
Luckily, you have great support in Hunter and in all of us who look forward to your posts and somehow, I do believe, that will be enough to get you through the dark times. For me, taking a moment to reflect on your own reflections is helping to pull it into perspective tonight and I feel like at least tonight I'll be sleeping a bit easier. With a house full of love and animals, how could I not?
xoxo
Hang in there girl, we're all there with you. These are the scariest times for a lot of us and I'm with you in that I don't deal well with uncertainty (what "planner" ever does?). I think you're on the right track focusing on the positives and just leaning on those that love you - and even those that don't know you. It's strange, but despite the difficult times, I feel more of a kinship with people and seem to be making more friends than ever. I think we're learning to ban together more and that's a good thing! :)
I know how you feel and it is scary. But hang in there until the hormones right themselves-- and if it makes you feel better, picture me sobbing in Lowes last week because I couldn't find a box fan. Yeah. Hormones. But remember, it will be ok and everything will right itself in the end. Hang in there. You've already made the big steps in confronting your fears and finding ways to give thanks and choose hope.
It is a scary time. It is a blessing to have positive people that surround you. Could you imagine going at "it" alone.
I too have tendancies to shut the fiance out. Don't. Partners are there to add balance. Use him as your sounding board.
It's getting difficult these days to maintain. Sometimes I think maybe I should say screw the wedding, put our money in the bank, go on an awesome trip and say our I-do's.
I am so happy to read that others are feeling like this as well. Sometimes we think it is just ourselves... alone. I hope that you feel better this week! Thank you for posting a beautiful reminder of the things we do have to be thankful for. Your list definitely gave me a good slap across the cheek. I'm awake and thankful now! :)
I can totally understand your fears. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster - one minute I'm okay and the next I'm sorta freaking out. But the fears are starting to subside and I figure you just gotta role with the punches. I hope you are feeling a bit of relief since you wrote this. By the way, you are such a talented writer! This post really let it shine through. :)
Hi, I found your blog through some other wedding blogs.
I hope you feel better, I understand completely where you comming from, lets just focus on the bright side of life and take on day at a time!!!
Nice blog by the way!!!
Discovered you via a practical wedding, and I am so glad I did! I could have written that post nearly verbatim. I am so fearful and things just keep getting worse, not better. I too am so grateful for all that I do have but I am scared for what is to come.
That's a great post - I love the list of things to be happy about. I've been a little melacholy too lately. Good luck with the job situation - I hope things get better soon!!!
You ain't never lied...
Everything you said is so touching because it's so true. We have to keep our eyes on what we have and not what we don't, which of course is next to impossible. :)
belated hug for you... thank you for sharing, it helps everyone!
F is quitting his job to go freelance in two weeks. I'm scared too. :) But knowing that facing the fear will be good for us.
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