Long story short, each of my eyes is experiencing a different cause for concern at the moment. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say it's not so yum. While neither of these issues are life-threatening or unmanageable, they just plain suck. I'm under close watch, trying new medication, and under orders to rush in if anything suddenly changes. I feel like a time bomb, ready to go off at any moment, without a hint of warning.
Rocking an eye patch, after emergency glaucoma surgery last June.
The hardest thing to manage about my illness is its unpredictability. I can go months without change, even almost forgetting about it.... and then *wham* there it is, kicking me in the ass, reminding me that I'm never in control of my health. Sometimes I'm at peace with it, sometimes I get down on it, but this time I've been angry. This particular brush with it has left me hopping mad, and uncomfortably so.
Anger makes me unproductive and temperamental. It makes me want to sit and stew, lash out at my husband, hide from my friends. It makes me take everything incredibly personally. So I'm acknowledging that anger, and inviting grace back into my mind and heart. I'm fighting for it, because frankly I don't like myself when I'm under the spell of anger and self-pity. So today, I woke up to work out. The endorphins helped. I'm focusing on my gratitude. To quote one of our wedding vows, I'm turning to my husband instead of turning on him in this time of need. Or at least, I'm trying.
A very young us, circa 2003 BF (before 'Fro), post cataract surgery.
I'm very lucky to have good doctors, great insurance, and a strong home-support system in my family and friends. I'm blessed to have my eyesight. Honestly, I don't know if I would trade my illness for health, since it has been a key formative influence on my adulthood and I am proud of who it has helped me become. I just wish I had a little more patience. A little more control, perhaps. And right now, a little more grace. But I'm working on it, one step at a time.
How do you cope with life's unexpected twists?
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24 comments:
Wow, thanks for sharing all of that with us, I hope you get better soon. We are all pulling for you!
how do i cope? well, experience with having a disability tells me that i can't even consider feeling sorry for myself for one second, and that i have to get through it. there is no other option but to get through it. i can't stop life and just lay down and die.
oh, having a boyfriend who rubs where it hurts helps a lot too :P
I'm with you on the needing patience and control front; I'm awful when an "unexpected twist" comes my way. Recently, I've been actively working on this weakness of mine by doing what you're doing: making sure I'm turning to and not on my husband and asking myself how I want to remember the situation in 5 weeks, months or years.
We're rooting you on! You can do it! =)
That's a really beautiful vow. One of ours was to try to see ourselves the way that the other sees us. It helps me to remember that vow when I'm too hard on myself or feeling down about something, that he still thinks I'm the best person in the world. It makes me want to feel better just to try and be that person a little bit more.
Hang in there... sounds like you're on the right track.
Oh sorry to hear your ordeal! Good luck, feel better and keep thinking positive thoughts! And have some ice cream too!
What a lovely post. I cried a bit at how honest and vulnerable you allowed yourself to be. And then to read the comments and see that others opened up too. What a gift. Thank you so much for posting this and trusting all of us, who adore you so much. You are amazing and I have noticed that sometimes things get tough right before they get great. With out the not so good you could not have the Great, I guess. all the love
Thank you for sharing that with us. I really admire your strength and positive outlook - hang in there and know that we're all rooting for you!
I think this whole post was plenty graceful lady! I only wish you the best of luck and health in this latest ordeal, given me a nice dose of perspective thank you love.
So sorry to hear about your problems. I cope with life's challenges by making time to meditate, and finding my center. It's borrowed from Buddhism, but I find that another person who explains it really well is Franklin Covey, and though I know it may sound cheesy I totally recommend you read "The 7 Habits if Highly Effective People." He talks about finding your center, and building your life around solid principles, so that when bad things happen, you aren't thrown for a loop.
We all deal with different trials, and while we don't always have control in what happens to us, we totally control how we react to it. We can choose to give those things the power, or we can take that power for ourselves. Hope things get better real soon babe!
Thank you SO much for helping me put things in perspective. I've been trying to get answers for two years - I now it's allergies, and I know MORE things that I'm allergic to, but we still haven't narrowed it down to treat the symptoms even. Thank you for reminding that I really don't have it as bad as I feel I do - THAT is how I deal with the twists!
Thanks for sharing that with us!
I have severe fibromyalgia, and I understand COMPLETELY about how frustrating it is to not have your health under control. Unfortunately, I have lost the ability to work outside of my home (bonus - I have my own online jewelry business now), lost 95% of my income (while trying to pay for our own broke-ass wedding which we've had to postpone AGAIN, lol) and have not had ANY relief from the myriad medications they have sold me hand over fist.
Be patient (I know it is hard), be thankful it isn't worse (I don't have the "C" word), and take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Hugs and prayers you get better very soon, we are all rooting for you!!
Meghann
In times of blech I turn the to the bestiest bestie for a friend date!!
I just watched you BAHILA Video and laughed so loud. Almost woke my napping hubby. Then I proceeded to read your blog and the smile went to a gloomy one after reading your unexpected health scare.
I hope you get better soon and will be back to your creativity.
How do I handle life? I just remember that it's not predictable. I cry, scream and definitely pray.
I agree with all that was said above... and listening to Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" always helps! "Don't worry.... about a thing... every little thing... is gonna be alright!"
I will be thinking about you.
I don't have much patience with my health issues either. Maybe the fact that I occasionally pass out is supposed to teach me patience? Hang in there; you'll be in my thoughts. And hey, be a little angry. If you can channel it into working out, that's pretty awesome.
Oh wow! Thank you for sharing-- and I hope you and your husband pull through! I'm keeping you in my prayers!
Please be sure and drop by & leave me a note (and follow!)!
-Laila
www.randomweavings.blogspot.com
well, fortnatly I don't soffer from any kind of disease but unfortnatly my moom does, from a chronicle one. It is very hard to see her suffer, but she always says "there are a thousand people out there that deal with things a lot worse. I should never feel sorry for myself but feel blessed for having everything that I have". That always help when you are a litle bit down.
Get better
turning to him instead of turning on him..
what a great reminder of what marriage should be like. keep those endorphins pumpin'. you're fabulous, d.
you are amazing :)
i truly am humbled by this post. your bravery, humor, positivity and most of all HONESTY are amazing. not only have your posts about your wedding been extremely helpful, this post just about being human has helped me put this wedding craziness into perspective. thank you.
I'm so sorry to hear that you haven't been feeling well. Health problems can be so frustrating, and you are really handling it well.
These are in style anyways.
Get well soon.
wow, thank you from the very deepest bottom of my heart for sharing your story. i was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself, and you (very lovingly) bitch-slapped me into reality. i can't imagine what it must be like to go through all that you do. you must have a soul made of titanium! thank you for setting an example for the rest of us. i'm sending you all the grace i can muster, psychic-style.
thank you so much again, and hang in there chicka.
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